Note: I'm really going to have to explain this one if my parents read it.
Everyone has one of these friends. Most people have at least 5.
I'm talking about the people that are Twitter/Facebook/Myspace addicts. I'm talking about the people that update their status when they do ANYTHING. I'm talking about the people that outline their entire day in their Away Messages. I'm talking about the people who write blog posts about how sad they are, or how much they love their boyfriend, or why Jake who sits in the front row in chem class is a total tool for not asking her out to the dance.I'm talking about the people that thing it's cool to take pictures of themselves cooking, or "fake sleeping" or "Doing something cool."
I really hate when I'm on Facebook or MySpace, and I see a picture where the person is "mid-action," but you know it's a self-taken shot, and they want to make it look like someone gave a shit about them to take the pic.
Oh really, you made a fucking cake? Good job. Following directions on the back of a Sara Lee box was really complicated. I bet it was really complicated to measure milk, crack eggs and stir.
What's this? Oh a pic of you sleeping? Uncanny!
Oh hey look, she took this one in her bathroom. I guess she wanted privacy so that mommy doesn't find out her little girl is secretly a slut. Nice tube top, bitch. Buy one that fits next time.
Oh hey, a picture of your LIPS! That's attractive. Oh, an eye now. I love body parts. Yeah, a picture of your lips and your eyes really turns me on and doesn't gross me out. If you're going to be an attention whore and take pics of your body parts, either take off your bra and show your top, or just drop your pants so that we can see the cellulite that you're ashamed of.
At the very least, we can see your vag. That way, it makes it harder to lie about how many dudes you baked.
AIM Whores
She has a jillion friends. She often updates her status and talks while on Away so that her status is displayed to the world. She things it's cool for you to see how busy her day is, so she outlines EVERYTHING she has planned. "First I need to shower, do my hair, eat breakfast, get on the train, deal with my BORING job for a few hours, THEN IT'S TIME FOR THE BEACH WITH KATIE AND MEL! :) :) :) Any cute boys want to come? :-* "
She's a flirt, and she acts like a teenager. (Or, if she is a teenager, she acts like a preteen. If she's a preteen, then she's probably a whore already.)
She doesn't like being called out for being a whore, and she'll BLOCK YOU OMG if you aren't one of her supercool friends. She's way too busy for your time, but she updates her away message at least 20 times an hour.
She thinks that "Its c00L 2 talk liek dis. Spellin rite takes 2 much tiem. Who spells rite n da internets n e way? loool!"
Facebook/MySpace Whores
An upgrade of the AIM whore because NOW SHE HAS MINIFEEDS AND ALBUMS! :-DThis type of whore has albums of nothing. If she's in college, she'll have way too many albums of her drinking on campus and/or in the dorms, looking like a complete idiot and being completely shitfaced with her other whores. She thinks it's cool to take pictures of her being a sloppy mess. Her status updates usually follow her train of thought.
She will have triple digit comments on her wall within a few months of getting an account. If you go to her page and think she's a whore, she probably is. She'll take multiple pics of her with different faces/poses in the same outfit until she finds a profile pic she likes.
She has terrible grammar and sentence structure. She has a jillion friends and complains about "being poked" all the time. She has pictures of her ass or of her cleavage and "doesn't understand" why all these dudes hit her up. She feigns innocence when "dudes are nice to her".
I just put up these pics of me showing off my new underwear! Why all these dudes be just hittin me up trying to hook up with me!?
Another thing that annoys me about MySpace is the profile customization. I DON'T want to see all that god damn glitter text. I can't even read that shit.
She's the type of girl you just want to hit over the head with a shovel and bury alive.
Actually, most of this applies to whores in general.
My favorite part about these whores is the "60 Degree Angle." This is the pic that they take from above, and it usually hides their chin/neck fat, and they usually are pouting, or making "kissy faces" or trying to look sexy. This pic also suceeds in exagerating cleavage and hiding stomach fat as well.
The 60 Degree Angle is used by Fat girls. Please beware of it.PROTIP This is also the angle that a whore will look at you from when she's on her knees servicing your man-meat.
The hapless gentleman is browsing these sites when he find a young lady that might be attractive. BEWARE, she's really insecure, so she takes these pics that hide her flaws. You can usually tell by looking at arms/shoulders. Arms and shoulders will usually be seen, because as stated above, they LOVE taking pictures of THEMSELVES.
Also, they will put up a bunch of pictures about nothing and destroy your bulletin board with "PLEASE COMMENT ON PICX KTHANX! :) ". I don't have a lot of friends on MySpace anymore, because ignorant stuff like that kept happening.
The Fake Bi-Sexual
Actually, I'm going to need an entire post to sum up this one. Essentially, acts like she's into girls as well as guys, just so that she can be cool. She's either not really into girls or in denial about being a homosexual and she doesn't want to be shunned by society.
Real homosexual people don't like her.
The Blog Whore
Writes depressing poetry about how tough her life is, just so her friends can chime in and tell her how awesome she really is.
The Immature Whore
Refers to herself as "Princess," "Star," "Baddest Biatch," or some variation of that. She thinks the world revolves around her, and while she may be an age in excess of 17, she acts like she's 14, and that you owe it to her to supply her with the attention she needs to survive.
The best thing about these whores is that they die when no one gives them attention.
After they lose all the attention, they become emo, then suicidal. Half of them go through with it and help make the gene pool just that little bit cleaner.
I could have made this post 3 times as long, but there are just too many whores and my train of thought is just so bad.
